What I’ve been up to (according to the internet)

What ever happened to me, anyway?

Here’s just a sampling of what I’ve been doing with my life, according to the wildly creative internet.

S

Since I was 14, I’ve grown up to resemble a large question mark. I also apparently graduated from the California Academy of Math & Science. I would like restore the reputation of the Academy of Math and Science, by clarifying that me and my artsy-creative right-brain did not go there. Besides, I was too busy working to go to high school.

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Screen shot 2013-02-28 at 9.19.27 AM

When not looking like a question mark, I totally look like a dude.

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But why worry about what my face looks like when we can just look at my feet? If you enjoyed my feet, you really must check out Angie Harmon’s feet.

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walmart

This one might be my favorite. Because it’s so incredibly detailed and it never happened. I’ve never been to San Antonio and I never go to Walmart. (I’m super cheap but I’m a devoted Target shopper.) The writing part happens to be correct, but due to my affinity for swear words I could never write for children.

Do you think the guy just made it all up? Or is there really a petite brunette walking around, pretending to be someone who used to be ever-so-slightly famous? I promise I don’t loiter in Walmarts, talking to strangers about how traumatized I am. But the quotation marks are a nice touch.

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Italy

Apparently, some of my trauma resulted in me marrying an asshole who was so uncomfortable with my career that he made me leave acting.

namaste

But I’ll be back, after a nasty divorce that leaves me destitute. My favorite part is the “Namaste.” I don’t think it means what he thinks it does.

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sleepitalianvibe

I have been spending a lot of time trying to torture people with the mystery of my heritage. I’m kind of excited that my “vibe” is Spanish. But in fact, my DNA is Slovak, Scottish and Welsh. Sleep tight, Internet.

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Screen shot 2013-02-28 at 9.55.43 AM

This one is correct. Not dead.

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